Midnight Bleach
by Heirii.Urahara
Summary: Collection of really short random drabbles. Subjects vary with the plot bunnies. No pairings. T for language courtesy of Grimmjow and others in the future. Ukitake, Aizen, Kyouraku, Ulquiorra, Grimmjow, Yamamoto, Nnoitora, Gin, Kurotsuchi
1. Little Hougyoku

_I do not own Bleach, but I'm hoping Kubo leaves it to me in a will._

_Lots of these are fairly short, almost like snapshots of moments.  
><em>

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><p>"Open up, my little Hougyoku! Say Aaaaahhhh!"<p>

The dark sphere remained still and mute. Aizen, on the other hand, held a few more souls and was waving them around, making zooming noises.

"The airplane's landing! Zoooooom! You have to grow up big and strong for me, little Hougyoku, so I can destroy the world! Yes you do! Yes you do!"

A silent silver-haired man stood on in mute horror. _This_ was the mighty leader of the Arrancar? Gatherer of the Espada? "Uh... whatcha doin', Cap'n Aizen?"

"Gin! What have I told you about _knocking_?"

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><p><em>So these are just random things that pop into my head. And I do love to terrorize Aizen.<em>


	2. Grocery List

_I don't own Bleach._

_One choice word from Grimmjow. You are warned.  
><em>

* * *

><p>"Hey, Aizen!"<p>

The evil leader in question sincerely wished he was invisible. The last thing he needed right now, while he was busy with important stuff (like destroying the world), was another confrontation with Grimmjow.

"What is it now?" he asked and lifted a hand to massage his forehead.

The angry Espada slammed open the regal double doors to the throne room. "What is it now? Ulquiorra just got back from the grocery shopping!"

Aizen had to pause for a second and wonder whether his superior genius had missed something. But that was impossible. "...And?"

"_And_ that despicable bastard "forgot" to get everything I wrote on the list!"

Sinking lower in his throne and wishing his pawns would behave just once, Aizen shouted "Ulquiorra, explain yourself! Are you just pissing him off on purpose now?"

The space to the right of the throne opened into a black chasm and Ulquiorra stepped out, brandishing a piece of paper. "You look at this and tell me if you can read any of his panther scratch!"


	3. Calligraphy

_I don't own Bleach._

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><p>"Ya wanted ta see me, Cap'n Aizen?"<p>

"Ah." Aizen looked up from his writing desk. "Yes. But how did you get here so soon?"

Gin sauntered in, grinning like always. "I had Szayelaporro modify the hallways."

"Uh huh..." The evil mastermind stared off into space, then remembered he was doing something important. "I have decided that all orders to my dear Espada are henceforth to be written. They don't do that in the Soul Society, and I just think it makes everything so much more elegant. I'm just finishing up some orders now, and I would like you to deliver them, Gin."

"Can do."

The room was left in silence as Aizen continued to write. And write. Gin started studying the room, but like everywhere else in the interior of the interior of Las Noches, there was only bleak gray and black stone. Ten minutes later he lost patience completely and walked over to his superior and peered over his shoulder.

"Um, Cap'n Aizen? You only have 'My Dear Espada:'..."

"Yes, you are very observant today, Gin. Good work," the other said without looking up.

"It's been over ten minutes."

"Yes, I'm writing very fast today, don't you think so, too? I just hope I'm not sacrificing the quality of my calligraphy..."

Gin face palmed and walked away. "I'll jus' be back here in a few days, ta get the finished orders then."


	4. Important

_I don't own Bleach._

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><p>"My dear Espada, I have called you here for a very important reason."<p>

Nnoitora kicked his feet up onto the meeting table. "Whatever happened to written orders, Lord Aizen? I liked that idea much better, since I wouldn't have to look at Halibel."

Aizen rolled his eyes and answered in a very pissy voice. "For certain reasons, Tousen and Ichimaru think meetings such as this would be more efficient. But you aren't here for orders, you're here to answer one question!"

All ten Espada exchanged glances. What could this be?

"Where did my hair gel disappear to? !"

No one said a thing, but all eyes quietly shifted to Grimmjow, who sat whistling innocently. When he opened his eyes, he saw everyone staring at him and Aizen looking like he was about to start foaming at the mouth. "Uh, why is everyone looking at me?"

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><p><em>Yes, I'm an evil fan. I mostly like Viz renderings of names.<br>_


	5. Defeat

_I don't own Bleach._

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><p>Everyone stared on as Mizuiro turned over his bag and a pile of tazers fell out.<p>

"Stun guns for everyone!"

Tatsuki exhaled loudly. "That's not gonna work on a guy like him!"

"Aw, but Arisawa! You'll never know if you don't try."

Tatsuki stood there and battled with herself. Should she give in to Mizuiro's puppydog face? Of course not! After all, she just saw that washed-up spirit medium's stick turn to ash just because it got close to that weird guy in white. But Mizuiro looked so cute and soooo sad. Agh! Get a grip, Tatsuki! With his kind of reputation, _of course_ he can look cute!

"Fine, Kojima! But if this fails and we die, I'm gonna beat you to hell and back a few times. Deal?" She stood over him and gave him a scary look.

Mizuiro cowered behind Keigo. "D-D-Deal!"

"Okay, so everyone, grab a stun gun and let's hide behind that corner up there!"

Not wanting to get 'beat to hell and back' while still alive, everyone scrambled to obey Tatsuki's command. Soon enough, it felt like the air started to shake again and everyone sweat like mad. They all knew the simple truth – he's here.

"Now!"

With that, everyone jumped around the corner to face the white guy with a mullet and fired. Every electrode hit the mark.

Gin, back from dealing with Rangiku, watched as the unbelievably powerful Aizen fell to the ground. And started laughing like mad.

"Ah! Stop, stop! It tickles! Hahahahaha! No, please! Stop! Hahahaha! I can't breathe! Hahahahahah! Tickles!"

"Who woulda thought?" And so the silver-haired snake sat down on a pile of rubble and watched a group of kids do what no shinigami could have hoped to accomplish. A few minutes later, the fearsome Aizen died laughing.


	6. Whose fault?

_I don't own Bleach._

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><p>"But how on earth would he have even <em>heard<em> of the Ouken?"

Yamamoto-Soutaichou observed his captains as they stood in two lines, just like always in his captains meetings. But normally when he asked questions, he got answers. Then Ukitake (his _good_ student) spoke up.

"Soutaichou, in the records we have of him accessing the archives – starting back when he was only the Fifth Division's lieutenant – it is shown that he read many sources mentioning the Ouken before looking up records specific to the Ouken itself."

"Well? Were these sources about the Soul King's dimension? The royal family? What?"

"Actually, the very first record he seemed to have accessed was about the Zero Division."

Silence fell over the group of thirteen.

"Would any of my captains" Yamamoto started as he cracked open his eyes "care to tell me _how_ a lieutenant knew about the Zero Division?"

More silence.

Then Ukitake had an epiphany and looked across at his friend, Kyouraku. The two shared a look that said 'I won't tell if you won't.' Unfortunately for them, Yamamoto didn't miss it.

"Shunsui! Juushirou! What part do you two have in this catastrophe?"

"Ah, I'm gonna blame this one on Shinji," Kyouraku said carefully before grabbing Ukitake and flash stepping away.


	7. Parents?

_I don't own Bleach._

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><p>The two old friends sat behind the Eight Division's barracks drinking sake.<p>

"This really isn't like you, Juushirou. Are you sure you should be drinking?"

The Thirteenth Division captain was red in the face and downed another cup. "'Course it is, Shunsui! I mean..." He paused for a few seconds to sway on the spot. "Come on, why dinna we put it together before? We made a monster!" A loud smack echoed behind the barracks as Ukitake passed out.

Kyouraku calmly poured himself another cup of sake and took a sip. "Is this how parents feel?"


	8. Mansions & Memories

_I don't own Bleach._

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><p>Rukia sat in the center of her new room in the Kuchiki manor. A few minutes ago she had gotten lost trying to find something, maybe Byakuya, but she couldn't remember. The place was huge, and she thought it could probably be its own small town.<p>

She shivered and drew her legs up to her chest and hugged them. The space was lonely. So lonely. It had only been a few days since the Kuchiki house had her graduate early, but not once had she seen her new brother outside of meals. No one from the academy came by to visit her... not even Renji.

Did she make a mistake? Sure, getting adopted into one of the four great noble families meant she'd never starve like they used to in Rukongai, but the stillness and silence of the estate reminded her of death. It felt like the nights blurred into one, and all she could think about was the last of her little Rukongai family.

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><p><em>I wasn't expecting any of these to be serious... and then this happened. More humor to follow.<br>_


	9. Hospital

_I don't own Bleach._

* * *

><p>"Alright, Rukia. One more Hollow down!"<p>

Rukia interrupted Ichigo's victory speech with a wave of her hand. "Ichigo, listen."

"Huh, you wanna talk about something?"

"No, listen!"

Somewhere off in the distance a siren blared.

Ichigo didn't understand. "Okay...? So there's a siren." Then he noticed where they were. "Hey, where'd my body go? No fair! Damn it, not again!" He sprinted off toward the hospital leaving Rukia to walk back to his house alone. He ran around the place, looking for his body among all the patients, finally finding it.

Ichigo crawled back into his body and sat up. "Ah... heh heh. Hi there, Mr. Ishida."

Ryuuken shot him a glance that silenced him immediately. The nurse that was busy reading the machines jumped and ran around making adjustments.

"You used the badge again instead of the Gikongan, didn't you, Kurosaki?"

"Ah... maybe." Ichigo smiled nervously.

"Well, that's the fourth time this month. Go home." The Quincy stood and tried to leave.

"But Mr. Ishida! This boy just came to! We need to monitor his condition!"

Ryukken shot the nurse a glance. It worked like a charm and she was silent. "His condition? He's rambunctious as ever – fine. And Kurosaki, use the Gikongan next time! I'd hate to have to tell your father exactly how often you end up in the hospital."


	10. Skeleton in the Filing Cabinet

_I don't own Bleach._

* * *

><p>The members of the Shinigami Women's Association stared at the new object.<p>

"It looks funny," declared Yachiru.

"What's it do?" asked Kiyone.

"What is it again?" Rangiku wondered aloud.

Nanao sighed and pushed up her glasses. "For the last time, it's a filing cabinet! I though we could really use one! It stores all of our papers in a way that makes everything easy to find."

The short, pink-haired president walked over to it and opened the bottom drawer (the only one she could reach). The other women looked on as she dove in and started swimming in the papers, surfacing a few seconds later with a file.

Nanao couldn't believe her eyes – all of her hard work filing that stuff, gone! Ruined!

"Hey, vice-president, what's this? It says 'Skeleton'."

Everyone looked around at everyone else. Skeleton? What in the world was that? Then, all at once, they remembered and ran toward Yachiru.

"Don't look at that!"

"Madame President, avoid gazing upon the contents for your sanity's sake!"

"We still _have_ that?"

But it was too late. Yachiru opened the file and her eyes became large as saucers. She shot out of the secret meeting room in the Kuchiki manor and tore down the halls screaming "Save me, Ken-chan! It's scary! I'm gonna have nightmares for ever!"

The rest of the Association sat around and tried not to look at the various photos that Yachiru had thrown into the air in her panic.

"So which one of us is brave enough to go pick up the pictures of Yamamoto?" asked Soi Fon. No one answered.


	11. Past Lives

_I don't own Bleach._

_There are two versions of this next one because I thought the idea was funny and couldn't help but write it, but since the overall story is rated T, I wrote another ending. The revised and toned-down one is first, the original second. The two are identical except for Renji's bit.  
><em>

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><p>"Hey guys. This was all the craze in the human world, so I got one."<p>

Renji put the item in question down on the table and stood back to let the others look at it.

"Uh... Renji? What is that thing?" Ichigo asked, eying the object suspiciously.

"I think they called it a WeeJee board, or something like that." He scratched his head. Humans sure come up with the weirdest names for things.

"You mean a Ouija board?" Rukia asked.

Orihime turned to the short shinigami. "Do you know something about these, Rukia?"

"Only a little," she replied and smiled smugly. "They can tell you lots of stuff, including what you past lives were."

"Ooh, really? I wanna try!" Orihime nearly hit Uryuu in the head in her excitement. "Oh, sorry Uryuu! I didn't mean to almost hit you, but I'm just so excited! Don't you want to know about your past lives? I think that would be _so_ interesting!"

"Uh, sure, whatever you say, Orihime," stated the Quincy as he adjusted his glasses.

Rukia looked around the group. "Okay, everyone sit around it, and put your hands on the planchette, the little heart thing," she added for Ichgo and Renji's benefit. "Alright, so who wants to go first?"

"Oh! Me me me!" Orihime's hand shot into the air. Uryuu had to remind her that this wasn't school. "Okay, so what do I do? Ask the board? O-kay! What was I in a past life?"

"Hey, Ichigo, cut it out!" snapped Renji as the wood piece started to move.

"What are you talkin' about? I'm not doing anything!"

"Hush, you two," chastised Rukia. "This is how the spirits of the Ouija board talk. _They_ are moving the planchette. Now watch what it spells."

P – R – I – N – C – E – S – S.

"I knew it! Yay, I'm so happy! Why don't you go next, Uryuu!"

He sighed. This was stupid. But he just couldn't bring himself to ruin Orihime's good mood. "Whatever. What was I in a past life?"

The planchette started to move again.

D – E – S – I – G – N – E – R.

Hmm. Maybe this wasn't so stupid after all, he thought. "Well, I _have_ always been good with needles and thread."

"Now you, Ichigo!"

"Oh come on! It's not like the thing is really moving on it's own! Can't you guys see that one of us is spelling these out on purpose?" Everyone stared at him, and it looked like Orihime was about to cry. "Okay, okay! Fine! … What-was-I-in-a-past-life?" he asked very quickly.

S – T – R – A – W – B – E – R – R – Y.

"Whaaat? Damn it, Rukia, this thing is broken!"

She laughed to herself. How fitting. "Just calm down, Ichigo. You don't have to believe it. Now... What was I in a past life?"

The planchette stayed still for a bit, like it was thinking. Then it spelled A – R – T – I – S – T.

"Really? I knew my skills stemmed from some unknown source, but never did I think that I was an artist in a past life!" Her face shone with happiness. "I have to remember to tell Nii-sama later!"

Ichigo couldn't believe it either. He had a sneaking suspicion that the board had no other word, and that 'crappy drawer' was just a bit too long. "Uh, whatever. Renji, your turn."

The redhead could barely contain his excitement. Everyone else was something so cool – except for Ichigo, but that was expected. Surely he had to be something great, too? "What was I in a past life?"

The planchette shook. Everyone stared at it.

D – A – N – C – E – R.

"Huh. I wonder what kind," said Orihime. "I wonder if Renji was some cool street break dancer, but I could also see him being in ballet. You know, it takes a lot of muscle to be graceful!" She was too busy taking to notice the planchette moving again.

"Wait a minute, Rukia... What's it spelling now?"

"It's probably saying what kind of dancer, Ichigo."

E – X – O – T – I – C.

Renji made his thinking face. What did that mean? He was interrupted by Ichigo laughing so hard he cried. Without another word, the lieutenant stalked away seething with rage and embarrassment.

"...I don't get it," said Orihime, her confusion obvious on her face. "Is that like tribal dances?"

Uryuu sweat dropped. "Never mind, Orihime. It's nothing."

* * *

><p>"Hey guys. This was all the craze in the human world, so I got one."<p>

Renji put the item in question down on the table and stood back to let the others look at it.

"Uh... Renji? What is that thing?" Ichigo asked, eying the object suspiciously.

"I think they called it a WeeJee board, or something like that." He scratched his head. Humans sure come up with the weirdest names for things.

"You mean a Ouija board?" Rukia asked.

Orihime turned to the short shinigami. "Do you know something about these, Rukia?"

"Only a little," she replied and smiled smugly. "They can tell you lots of stuff, including what you past lives were."

"Ooh, really? I wanna try!" Orihime nearly hit Uryuu in the head in her excitement. "Oh, sorry Uryuu! I didn't mean to almost hit you, but I'm just so excited! Don't you want to know about your past lives? I think that would be _so_ interesting!"

"Uh, sure, whatever you say, Orihime," stated the Quincy as he adjusted his glasses.

Rukia looked around the group. "Okay, everyone sit around it, and put your hands on the planchette, the little heart thing," she added for Ichgo and Renji's benefit. "Alright, so who wants to go first?"

"Oh! Me me me!" Orihime's hand shot into the air. Uryuu had to remind her that this wasn't school. "Okay, so what do I do? Ask the board? O-kay! What was I in a past life?"

"Hey, Ichigo, cut it out!" snapped Renji as the wood piece started to move.

"What are you talkin' about? I'm not doing anything!"

"Hush, you two," chastised Rukia. "This is how the spirits of the Ouija board talk. _They_ are moving the planchette. Now watch what it spells."

P – R – I – N – C – E – S – S.

"I knew it! Yay, I'm so happy! Why don't you go next, Uryuu!"

He sighed. This was stupid. But he just couldn't bring himself to ruin Orihime's good mood. "Whatever. What was I in a past life?"

The planchette started to move again.

D – E – S – I – G – N – E – R.

Hmm. Maybe this wasn't so stupid after all, he thought. "Well, I _have_ always been good with needles and thread."

"Now you, Ichigo!"

"Oh come on! It's not like the thing is really moving on it's own! Can't you guys see that one of us is spelling these out on purpose?" Everyone stared at him, and it looked like Orihime was about to cry. "Okay, okay! Fine! … What-was-I-in-a-past-life?" he asked very quickly.

S – T – R – A – W – B – E – R – R – Y.

"Whaaat? Damn it, Rukia, this thing is broken!"

She laughed to herself. How fitting. "Just calm down, Ichigo. You don't have to believe it. Now... What was I in a past life?"

The planchette stayed still for a bit, like it was thinking. Then it spelled A – R – T – I – S – T.

"Really? I knew my skills stemmed from some unknown source, but never did I think that I was an artist in a past life!" Her face shone with happiness. "I have to remember to tell Nii-sama later!"

Ichigo couldn't believe it either. He had a sneaking suspicion that the board had no other word, and that 'crappy drawer' was just a bit too long. "Uh, whatever. Renji, your turn."

The redhead could barely contain his excitement. Everyone else was something so cool – except for Ichigo, but that was expected. Surely he had to be something great, too? "What was I in a past life?"

The planchette shook. Everyone stared at it.

S – T – R – I – P – P – E –

"_Okay_! We don't need to finish that!" Renji shouted and jumped to his feet as Ichigo laughed so hard he cried. Without another word, the lieutenant stalked away seething with rage and embarrassment.

"...I don't get it," said Orihime, her confusion obvious on her face. "What's a strippe?"

Uryuu sweat dropped. "Nothing, Orihime. Absolutely nothing."

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><p><em>Just something I intended and probably no one got: whe the planchette shakes before it spells out Renji's past life, it's laughing.<em>


	12. Super Computer

_I don't own Bleach._

_Ok, so normally I don't like Mayuri, but I finally got caught up on both the anime and manga, so I watched the first three movies. I can't remember which ones this was in, but I absolutely **loved** the computer that looked like an organ (complete with tiered keyboard). I want one X( ... Does this thing appear in the series at all?  
><em>

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><p>Kurotsuchi Mayuri faced a problem, just like most days in this place surrounded by morons, but this one was just a bit more important. He stared back and forth between a powdered wig and a half mask. He couldn't make up his mind, then swiped the wig because it was closest.<p>

Ever so carefully, he removed his white hat and set it on the table in front of him and lifted the wig to his head, putting it on. Then he walked the short trip to his personal lab and sat down behind the controls of the computer. A few commands later, the hidden program that only he could access was open.

The mad scientist took a deep breath, then started to play Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D minor on the computer's keyboard.


	13. Cookies

_I don't own Bleach._

* * *

><p>The smell of something burning slowly enveloped the Eleventh Division's barracks until he couldn't stand it any more.<p>

"Yachiru! _What_ is burning?"

The pink menace in question chose that moment to run into the room smiling and laughing, carrying a plate covered in cookies. "Ken-chan! My club's doing a bake sale soon, and I'm practicing! Sooo... Guess who made coooookieeeees!"

"Yachiru, I'm not going to eat that!"

That was the wrong thing to say. The youngest lieutenant proceeded to cry and shriek and run around frantically. She even started beating Kenpachi on the head with one of the cookies.

He must remain calm. He swore to protect her, after all, and hurting her, killing her, _whatever_ – even if it was to stop one of her mad rampages – just weren't acceptable. All he could see was a pink blur as she ran around, still crying.

"Enough! Fine! I'll try one!"

The tantrum ceased immediately and suddenly Yachiru stood in front of him, smiling like an angel and holding the plate of cookies again. "I know that, silly! You have to!" She grinned not-quite-innocently.

"Huh? What do you – Yachiru!" She had tied him to his chair.

"Yay! Open wide, Ken-chan! Say aaaaaaah!"

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><p><em>...This is what eating coockies at 1 in the morning does to your brain...<em>


	14. Explanation

_I don't own Bleach._

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><p>"Yama-jii, we have to talk to you about something."<p>

Captains Kyouraku and Ukitake stood in front of their former teacher's desk, wearing very serious faces.

Yamamoto scowled up at them. "Can't you see I'm very busy? In case it has escaped your attention, I have Seireitei to rebuild, a town to relocate, and a treacherous monster to get before Central 46 later today." Neither captain budged. "And shouldn't you two be with the Fourth Division being treated right now?"

"Sensei, I'm afraid this is too important to wait. And shouldn't you be with the Fourth Division right now, too?" Ukitake added, looking meaningfully at the empty left arm of Yamamoto's haori.

The Soutaichou could see that he would be getting no work done with these two hanging around. "What is the problem?"

"Well, Yama-jii, it's a prerequisite to be lieutenant that you can perform shikai, right?"

"That is correct," Yamamoto affirmed hesitantly. Where was this going?

"And you know of everyone's shikai, Sensei?"

"Yes..." Were these two being serious?

"Then enlighten us, Yama-jii." Kyouraku and Ukitake put their hands on the desk and leaned forward menacingly. "Why did you say that Ukitake and I have the only dual-release zanpakutou?" An image appeared in their minds of Hisagi and his Kazeshini.

Yamamoto deadpanned. "Are you telling me that you children haven't learned to count yet?" The two stared back at him. "Blades, you idiots! Not handles! Yes, it may _look_ like Hisagi-fukutaichou has a dual-release, but he has _four_ blades. You, Shunsui and Juushirou, have two. _That _is a dual-release. Any more pointless, time-consuming questions?"

The two captains left without another word, still fuming.

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><p><em>I actually have no clue if this is the real excuse, or if it was just lack of planning. But I think it works... maybe. Because Kyouraku and Ukitake have two, Hisagi has four, and Ikkaku has 3 (but that's his bankai, so it doesn't count anyway...)<em>


	15. Forgetful

_I don't own Bleach._

_Aw, poor Kyouraku-taichou. He's really in for it. At least **I** remembered..._

* * *

><p>Nanao was mad. Kyouraku knew because she was sighing and adjusting her glasses every thirty seconds. Well... that and she had dragged him into his office, locked the door, and was forcing him to do paperwork. What was even more unsettling was the fact that he couldn't see her big book anywhere. Something was wrong.<p>

The silence – broken only by Nanao's constant sighing – had stretched on for what felt like hours, and Kyouraku, being the insatiably curious man that he is, _really_ wanted to know what he was being punished for. "Say, Nanao-chan." She bristled at his deafening words. "Ah... mind telling me what's going on?"

"What is there to tell? We're _working_." She didn't look up at him from the seat she pulled up on the other side of his desk.

"Aw, come on, my little Nanao-chan. You weren't yourself yesterday, either! (Only then you were abnormally _happy_)... Is it... _that time_?"

She jumped up, her face rivaling Renji's hair color. "T-Taichou! NO! And that is _not_ you business anyway!"

"Then what's –"

"Yesterday was my birthday! And you completely forgot! _Again_!"

Kyouraku sat back in his chair. "Oh." This wasn't good. He scratched his chin, trying to come up with something to say. "...Are you sure? It came earlier this year."

"It's a _birthday_, taichou. They _can't_ change. Mine was four days before yours, just like always."

His birthday? "Oh, crap! I forgot to tell Juushirou what I want this year!" And he flash stepped away as fast as he could.


	16. Always Gotten Along?

_I don't own Bleach._

_I meant to have this one uploaded a bit earlier in the day, but I just couldn't think of anything good for Kyouraku's birthday... It seems like he solves everything with shunpo...  
><em>

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><p>The sky was pitch black as Kyouraku sat on the Eighth Division barracks' back porch drinking sake. His eyes were glued to the strange little device, watching as the two metal arms slowly turned in circles.<p>

_Ping! Ping! Ping!_

"It's my birthday! Woo!" he shouted as he downed another cup of sake. "I am now officially... wait. How old _am_ I?"

"Old enough to know that, as a captain, you should not be shirking work. And you should really give that clock back to Kurotsuchi-taichou before he misses it and goes on a rampage."

He turned around to see Nanao carrying a stack of papers three feet tall. As the lazy captain began to complain, several forms appeared with quick flash steps.

"No time for work, Nanao!" declared a tipsy Rangiku. "We are here –" she gestured at Ukitake, Hisagi and Kira "– to collect your captain and have a proper birthday party."

She was astonished. "At _midnight_?"

Rangiku ignored her. "We already have everything reserved – right now we're gonna go drink and sing karaoke until 5, then we have some time scheduled for a very short nap (I made Renji promise to wake us up) because we have to eat breakfast very quickly so we can get well into drinking again by 6 so that my taichou will completely give up on me and then –"

Hisagi clamped a hand over her mouth while he and Kira just smiled and hoped the Eighth Division's lieutenant wouldn't kill them.

"I'm sure Shunsui will appreciate your humoring us," smiled Ukitake. "Isn't that right, Shunsui? You'll do your fair share of the paperwork if you come with us?"

Kyouraku's face was screwed up in concentration. On the one hand: party. That was always a good thing. But on the other: paperwork. And that was hell. He sighed and made up his mind. "My dear little Nanao-chan, I'm terribly sorry that I forgot your birthday this year. Again," he added as she was about to comment. "And I know I haven't exactly been the most _helpful_ captain in regards to paperwork, but..."

He grinned.

"You still can't catch me!" He flash stepped away leaving the entire group speechless and wondering what just happened. "Besides, haven't we always gotten along like this?" came a shout floating on the wind.


	17. Beading Adventures in Las Noches

_I don't own Bleach. But I do love to torment the antagonists.  
><em>

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><p>"Okay, this one is almost done. Do you want the black beads, Kaname, or the silver ones? Oh, and I think we also have gold and purple..."<p>

The former captain rolled his eyes, wondering if the genius Aizen had actually forgotten that he was born blind. "Surprise me," Tousen said in a monotone.

"Silver it is." Aizen reached for the beads and began to thread it onto the newly made braid. "And do try to lighten up. Just a bit longer until the Hougyoku awakens and we can make the Ouken. _And_ I already let you do _my _hair!" He reached a hand up and felt the various braids sticking out of his scalp in odd angles.

Tousen stifled a chuckle. "True. But why do you sound so angry about it?"

They were interrupted by footsteps and the quinto Espada.

"Hey, Lord Aizen, can you hurry up and just replace Ha–"

Nnoitora stared at Aizen and Tousen. Aizen stared at Nnoitora. Tousen just stared.

The awkward silence stretched on and on. Then Nnoitora shifted his weight nervously. "Can I get in on this?"

Aizen and Tousen glanced at each other and back at the tallest Espada. Both broke out in grins not out of place on Gin.

"Sure!"


	18. Fall of Las Noches

_I don't own Bleach._

_Nor do I remember exactly how this got into my head..._

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><p>Las Noches was in chaos. Every arrancar ran screaming, arms flailing. Loly and Menoly bumped into Gin who was standing and quietly observing the madness.<p>

"Hey, wha's all the fuss?"

They fell to the floor in front of the ex-captain, eyes bulging, trying to speak but succeeding only in stuttering. "I-I-It's... Aizen!" Unable to say more, the female arrancar jumped to their feet and continued to run around and scream bloody murder leaving Gin to wonder exactly what they meant. It wasn't long before he found out.

A very happy and dangerous-looking Aizen rushed into the hallway gripping a teapot, spilling tea everywhere as he ran. "Aw, why's everyone running away? But it's _tea time_!" He then spotted Gin who decided to save himself and copied Loly and Menoly. Aizen watched his subordinate flee with a sad face. "Why is everyone being so mean today?" He took a drink from the teapot, instantly cheering himself up. "Eh, who needs 'em anyway? La la la la!" The evil genius went skipping down the corridor.

The door to Ulquiorra's private chambers burst open without warning. The emotionless Espada had barricaded himself in to escape his leader.

"Ulquiorra! There y'are!" gasped the silver fox, catching his breath. "What the Menos has happened to Aizen?"

"What makes you think I know?"

Gin ignored him. "He 'ad a teapot! Aren' ya the one in charge of groceries?"

Ulquiorra sighed. "Tousen-sama wanted to get out of Las Noches for a bit, so he went last time. And about the tea incident, I'm assuming he failed to check the label and, as such, did not purchase decaffeinated tea."

"Wait... so 'e's on caffeine?" The Espada nodded. "Y'know," Gin mused "I havn' really seen him this messed up since ma first assignment in the human world with 'im, when 'e had somthin' called "coffee"..."


	19. Balance of Power

_I don't own Bleach._

_Okay, okay, so I've obviously been reading way too many fics on here about Gin's pranks. I got bored around 1 in the morning, so I Googled some pranks to pull around the house._

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><p>"'Ey, Kyouraku-taichou!"<p>

The lazy captain jerked awake from his nap. "Huh? What?" He came face to face with a grinning Ichimaru Gin. "Yah! Don't scare me like that!"

Gin's grin grew wider. "Aw, I din' mean to. I jus' came ta tell ya 'bout this cool new trick I learned in the human world." He raised two bottles of sake, one in either hand.

Kyouraku eyed him warily. He might have just woken up, but Ichimaru and "cool tricks" rarely meant anything good for anyone else. But then again... he brought sake! "...And what might this be?"

"Thought ya'd never ask!" Gin set the bottles down on the empty desk. "Wouldja happen ta have any drinkin' glasses around, Kyouraku-taichou?" The other captain nodded and produced two little sake dishes. "Nah, they won' work fer this. Got any glasses?"

Kyouraku just stared at him, wondering why he was going along with this. ...Oh, right. Sake. He shook his head to wake himself up more. "Well, I guess there are the tea glasses that Nanao-chan saves around here somewhere..." A few moments of searching turned up three tall green ceramic cups.

Gin's eyes lit up. "Perfect! Now lookit this." He poured a glass of sake and put his left hand down on the desk, then the sake on top of his hand. "Neat, huh?"

The Eighth Division captain eyed the glass of sake then Ichimaru. "That's it? You ruined my nap for _that_?"

"Aw, whaddya mean 'that's it'?" If possible, the notorious grin became even wider. "I's wicked difficult ta do. Say," he said, like an idea had just come to him. "I bet you that ya can' balance two at once. I's impossible."

"Bet? Like as in something?" Ichimaru smiled down at him. "What are you betting?" It looked simple enough, just balancing a stupid cup.

"Eh... say the privilege o' usin' Izuru fer yer squad's paperwork fer two weeks."

"Isn't your lieutenant the only one who does _your_ squad's paperwork?"

Gin tilted his head. "It sounds like yer insinuatin' that 'e can' do it. I assure you, 'e could, 'e's a big boy. But the fact o' the matter is that you can' do it, so I'll win."

Kyouraku was silent for a moment. "And what's gonna happen to that unopened bottle?"

"Well, I din' really think 'bout that, but if ya win, you can have it."

"You're on!" was the older captain's reply, spoken only after a few seconds of consideration.

Gin took the cup of sake off his hand and motioned for Kyouraku to put his own hands on the desk, which he did without hesitation. "An' heeere's one," said the Third Division captain, gently setting the cup on Kyouraku's right hand. He then poured another cup and moved it into place. "An' heeere's the other." He didn't let go of the cup, but looked at Kyouraku. "Ya sure?"

Kyouraku scoffed. "Yeah, Gin. Now come on!"

Gin bared his teeth with his next grin as he released the cup and let it balance on the back of Kyouraku's hand. The man straightened up and walked backwards out of the room, waving and grinning, crooning "Bye bye!"

It took Kyouraku a minute to figure out what had just happened. "Wait... what? Why did he leave? – Damn it! Ichimaru! Get back here and take these glasses off my hands!" There was no reply. "Aw, come on! The sake's gonna spill! Ichimaru! Ichimaru!"

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><p><em>While I doubt I will try this one once morning rolls around, I will however have already set up some bubble wrap under the toilet seats and changed someone's computer desktop to a picture of the Blue Screen Of Death...<em>


	20. Losing One's Marbles

_I do not own Bleach._

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><p>The darkness was broken by flickering light that danced away from the large illuminated images on the screen-like Garganta. "<em>I have a lot of things that I needto talk to him about.<em>" One figure moved away from the two remaining, waving good-bye as the orange sunset colored his normally white shirt. The other two waved back.

The shorter, happier, very much more female one called out to the retreating figure: "_Urahara is kinda freaky, so make sure you keep up your guard!_" They kept waving. Then a look of confusion spread over the features of the taller, much more orange one.

"_Waiiiiit..._" He turned to the other one. "_Where the hell are _you_ gonna –_" CLICK!

Confused, Aizen Sousuke looked around and saw nothing out of the ordinary. Deciding it was pointless, he turned his attention back to the Garganta displaying Kurosaki Ichigo and Kuchiki Rukia – and it was blank.

Well... not really "blank," as he could see the front of the Kurosaki Clinic, but Ichigo and Rukia were gone. He could hear screaming and arguing coming from within the building and set about adjusting the controls. CLICK!

_There it was again!_ But nothing was amiss... CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!

Giving up on observing the ryoka boy, Aizen walked out of the dark room and into one of the bright hallways of Las Noches and followed the clicking sounds in order to find the source. As he walked, other out-of-place noises joined the clicking, mainly two very faint screams. People were gathering, more and more as the noises grew louder. One of the first he came across was none other than the resident mad – ahem, _brilliant_ – scientist, Szayelaporro.

Aizen walked up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. "Uh, what's going on, Szayel?"

"Oh, I haven't the faintest idea, Aizen-sama," he said and brushed his pink hair out of his eyes. "But, being a scientist, I have to find out. That's why I'm here."

Aizen sighed and walked on, passing other Espada and lowly Numéros whose names he couldn't remember, all equally confused. Rounding a final corner brought two crouching figures into view, surrounded by a much thicker crowd of Arrancar.

"...Gin?"

One of the crouching figures stood, silver hair falling in his closed eyes. "Ahh, Cap'n Aizen! Ya found us!" He followed his superior's gaze down to Wonderweiss, who was busily playing marbles with Aaroniero's screaming heads and the Hougyoku.

"Uwaaaaaaah!"

Gin smiled down at him. "We're bondin'! I figured that if 'e got ta do somethin' fun, 'e'd like me... An' I was right."

Actually, the evil overlord had not been looking at Wonderweiss, but at the small things he was playing with. A vein throbbed visibly in his temple as he recognized the black orb that he'd worked so hard to obtain, and – oh, there was Aaroniero, too.

"B'fore ya ask," Gin drawled while he sidled up to Aizen, "it was Aporro. 'E got me access ta yer precious Hougyoku _an'_ helped me get what's-'is-name outta 'is tank."

Aizen Sousuke walked away quietly, without another word. _Memo to self: particularly painful illusion for Szayelaporro Granz. ASAP!_

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><p>...I blame this on the tiny, black stone sphere I got years ago and realized today that it looked like the Hougyoku.<em><br>_


End file.
